Change

Change. I admit, this is one of those words that terrifies me. I hate change. Most often, I start to feel steady and secure in my own little world, and I feel like I can handle life for once. Security is my comfort, and I love staying in my comfort zone. It is comfortable there.  Then suddenly, everything changes. All at once, my little world is flipped upside down and I lose sight of what I thought was truly steady. My mind whirls around and around: “What did I do to deserve this? God, where are you? What are you doing?”

More often than not, I get accusatory and start blaming God for the sudden disruption to my seemingly perfect life. I lose sight of the Jesus on the waves, and start to focus on the waves themselves. They are such big things, big deals in life. They seem overwhelming, too much to handle, and I start to sink. Just as Peter did in the Bible, I cry out, “Lord, save me!” And just like in the Bible, Jesus reaches His hand out and pulls me back up out of the mess. “Why do you doubt me, child of little faith?” Ouch.

I have recently realized my major lack of trust. Trust is a big deal for me. I do not like relying on other people. I like relying on Rachel, because Rachel has always been there. I get out of the boat, initially feeling confident in my Jesus. Sometimes stepping out of the boat is easy. It is a choice, made in the moment, and I just do it. I get out, and glance down. I am actually on the waves themselves!

I start feeling confident in myself as I take a few cautious steps forward. As if I had done this on my own… Then I take a look around and start thinking to myself, “Rachel, do you see the size of these waves? Do you realize how big they are? It is too much! I can’t handle this. I’m going to drown!” The next step forward seems too overwhelming, and just like that, that seed of doubt and uncertainty starts pulling me under. In a desperate attempt to stay alive, I yell at Jesus. “Jesus, do you see this? Do you see what is happening? Save me!

He does. He won’t allow me to go under and stay under. However, He also needs to address the problem. My lack of faith. In all of the shifting and changing waves of time, He is still steady and secure. He did not change, however, my focus did. Either because I got too confident in myself and my abilities, or I simply focused on the overwhelming load of life, I took my focus off of Him, and that is when I began to sink.

The whole concept of change for me is, no pun intended, changing. Change is not always a bad thing. Most often it is just a fact of life. People change and move on. Life will never be the same one moment to the next. Other times, change is very necessary in order to get us moving in a new direction we would not have otherwise taken.

It is God shaking up our world so we can pull our small focus off of our own tasks we “need” to accomplish, and focus completely on Him.

I find that when I get too overwhelmed in life, it is because I have pulled my attention off of Him, thinking I can handle this on my own. God is not the author of confusion, He is the God of peace. Despite life being hard and difficult to handle, I can be peaceful if I rely and focus on Him. I can trust Him. He is always there, He is never changing, and besides: He happens to be the maker and tamer of the waves.

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